This axe is so heavy I'm falling backwards!

Horror audiences have had a trouble relationship with Jason Voorhees. At first, he treated us right — providing chills and thrills. But then he died, had a new beginning, took Manhattan and travelled to hell and space . And we’re supposed to forget all about that and start over with a Michael Bay-production return to Crystal Lake? I don’t think so.

But one look at that hockey-masked face from the photo of the new Jason Voorhees found at Bloody-Disgusting.com brings back all those bloody-warm memories of the old Jason we used to know and love. But Jason’s changed. He’s lost the jumpsuit, hit the major fashion labels and got some brand new designer threads. Sporting a utility belt brandishing his favorite knives, Jason still keeps to his trusty hatchet for most dirty work. While picture presents a Friday the 13th remake that is on the right track, remember that Jason has got himself a new crowd of friends that are responsible for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. Be afraid, very afraid.

And you thought Michael Bay was an idiot before this story broke? Now US Magazine reports the director thinks Megan Fox is too skinny for his Transformers sequel. Guess she skipped those late night munchie raids with co-star Shia LaBeouf. 

While we don’t agree with Bay’s physical assessment, we have come up with an easier solution than Taco Bell binges and Ben and Jerry jaunts. Cut Fox. Replace her with Hairspray sweetie Nikki Blonsky. She needs the work.

My.Spill.com has an amusing “rejected” script Michael Bay (ahem) reportedly turned in for The Dark Knight. A sample:

BRUCE WAYNE is standing in front of a mirror, flexing his sculpted, shirtless torso.

BRUCE
Let’s do this!

Cue AC/DC’s BACK IN BLACK. A series of quick shots show Bruce gearing up: putting on the boots, slapping on the gloves, a brief glance across those beautiful pecs. Finally, there is no longer BRUCE WAYNE, but BATMAN standing before us.

BATMAN:
Back in black. 

Pyrotechnics erupt in the distance. Guitar solo.

Thank God and Bob Kane for Chris Nolan.